therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
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“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore