[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
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“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
pep talk
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.