@dafloydsta

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

You Might Also Like

@Ideal_Victoria

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

@heatherlou_

I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly

@moutheaters

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

@online_shawn

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

@TheCareBare

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

@Gupton68

Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?

Me:

W:

M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!

@rage_yogi

I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver

@AnOrangeSNES

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

@abbycohenwl

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

@AmericanGent69

Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?