[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
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I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*