[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
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I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Attacked by a mop.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.