@dafloydsta

[therapy]

ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

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@PhuckinCody

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

@JohnLyonTweets

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

@bingowings14

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

@PaperWash

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

@egg_dog

I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club

@TheEllenShow

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

@shayf_

What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario