ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me

PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family

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“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths


Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%


New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years


I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club


Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.


What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario