[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
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When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
That time Alicia messaged me
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
Monday?
No. Next question.