[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
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[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit