“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

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If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.


The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue


[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”


Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?


“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”



Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute


Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom


[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”


I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.


‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour