@dafloydsta

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

You Might Also Like

@leftarmisme

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

@dumbbeezie

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

@Fred_Delicious

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

@simoncholland

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

@JediGigi

“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”

–dogs

@dumbbeezie

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

@WheelTod

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

@deardilettante

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

@ElenaChainHelp1

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

@RappaRick

‎”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour