[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
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“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely