[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
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My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah