There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
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My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I hope it’s French Onion!
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
how to exercise your calf muscles
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.