There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
You Might Also Like
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?