There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
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[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.