there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
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[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?