There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
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Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.