There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
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I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
@funTweeters I am at your service….
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on