There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
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[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
beware of dog
(jukin media)
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.