There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
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The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Social distancing in Australia:
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip