There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
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Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show