There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
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Expect the unexporcupine.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25