There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
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it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Saw online –
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.