There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
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Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
🤣🤣🤣
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
#SaturdayBears
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.