There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
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Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”