There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
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Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults