@jonnysun *sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
@_davidlucas_ There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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@jonnysun 
@STRIKINGxVIKING “I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
@yenniwhite The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
@Marlebean Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
@HomeProbably Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
@Marlebean I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
@dmc1138 I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
@_radsy *flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
@Quartzjixler I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
@Darlainky Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.