There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
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Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Breaking news:
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?