There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
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I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it