There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
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waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.