There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

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On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓


[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya


GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates


RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning


First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming


Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*


Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.


Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”


And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.


don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness