@faizziy

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

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@autogynefiles

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

@QwertyJones3

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

@Ygrene

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

@craiguito

First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming

@internetluke

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

@kimmie_1980

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

@Marlebean

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

@vladchoc

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

@MNateShyamalan

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness