There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
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The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
sry
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America