There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
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Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
“You’d better run, egg!”
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.