there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
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you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes