There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep