There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

You Might Also Like


[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”


“Care to elaborate?”



Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.


Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone


The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order


With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.


“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out


can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”


Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”


[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean