There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
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Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
LOL
Food gives you energy to nap more.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.