@LithiumJunkie
@stephenjmolloy [Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
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@stephenjmolloy 
@1Tortured_soul Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
@skickwriter Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
@Alex_but_online The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
@StumblerVideos accurate
@AaronBurdette With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
@TheBoydP “Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
@murrman5 can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
@Social_Mime Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
@isabelzawtun [God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean