@LithiumJunkie

There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.

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@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”

Yes

“Care to elaborate?”

No

@1Tortured_soul

Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.

@skickwriter

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

@Alex_but_online

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

@AaronBurdette

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

@TheBoydP

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

@murrman5

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

@Social_Mime

Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”

@isabelzawtun

[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean