There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
You Might Also Like
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.