“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
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I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
good work, everybody
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
The pen is writier than the sword.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.