There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
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I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
I identify as an antique shop.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.