There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
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Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
My inexpensive home security system…
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
my first dose meeting my second
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
reduce, reuse, recycle
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
idk what this dog had been going through but same