there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
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“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I have so many questions.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
live, laugh, laundry.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.