There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
You Might Also Like
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still