There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
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*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.