There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

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It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.


Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.


ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”

BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…


Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse


BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*


Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it


Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.


Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?


when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak


[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo