@Naked_Superman It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
@SirEviscerate There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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@Naked_Superman 
@leechee420 Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
@scot7a ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
@MavenofHonor Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
@truegritrumble BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
@Goofpoops Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
@Reverend_Scott Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
@WolfGangOfFour Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
@UncleDuke1969 when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
@SteveMarriott [Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo