There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

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How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra


[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.


Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.


Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.


I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.


When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!


My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.


Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair