There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
wut hotdog?
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.