@SirEviscerate

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

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@Flora__Flora

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

@Love_bug1016

[first date]

him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.

me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.

@broken_rhi

Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.

@CulturedRuffian

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

@Social_Mime

I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

@chopper4jk

When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!

@Parkerlawyer

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

@bridger_w

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair