How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
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him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair