There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
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ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
mood
even bears disappoint their mothers
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
🖤✌🏽
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.