There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
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Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.