There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
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Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Admin smashed it 😂
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Girl, same.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
peak technology
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you