There are no pants in heaven.
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Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Watson was Holmes schooled
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*