What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
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You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]