There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
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ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday