There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

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Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.


You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.

Shots it is!


Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!


What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?


When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.


Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*


scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then


*knocks on bathroom stall wall*

Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

“Huh? What?”

It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]