There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
You Might Also Like
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
We avoided this particular disaster
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy