There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
You Might Also Like
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
The 6 types of sex
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.