There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
You Might Also Like
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!