There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
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The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.