There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Ghost costume 😂
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.